I know very well that sometimes missing someone can be stronger than loving them. I look around me every day and see my peers in the throws of visceral love. The type of love I’ve only truly ever felt for red velvet donuts. They’re smitten and proclaim their love to the heavens and their Facebook newsfeeds constantly. I wonder how they have so much of themselves to give to someone else, when I can barely figure who I am outside the scope of someone else. Sometimes I wish I were like them; that I could love as fiercely as they can.
The type of love I can fully and gracelessly give you is one that will be muted at times. Instead of vivid reds and oranges, the colors we have come to associate with passionate yearning, I will only be able to love you in pale pastels. You’ll be able to see it’s there, but it won’t be as bold as other’s love. Sometimes I will retreat into myself, and I know at times you’ll blame yourself. Know that it is never your fault.
I can offer you a slow love. One that builds over months and months while our peers excel before us and finding each other exchanging keys and “I love you’s” long before I let you spend the night.
I can offer the type of love on a Sunday morning where we wake up late and I drag you to a coffee shop by a lake, just so we can watch the ducks glide across the water. I will buy us a newspaper and warm hot chocolates. I will even let you read the comics first.
I can offer you reassuring hand squeezes when you meet my parents, and I can offer you a night of take out and cuddling once you’re finished with the huge exam you’ve been worried about.
I can offer you days where you will doubt my sentiments, and I hope you always remember that it’s only due to me doubting myself. My sentiments will always stay the same.
There will be days where my heart seems to be full and I’ll constantly remind you that you’re the greatest thing that has happened to me. Just know on the days when my heart seems empty and my eyes wander away from our conversations over wine and couch cuddling - my sentiments will always stay the same. Just because I doubt myself and have allow myself to indulge in day terrors of my potential failure doesn’t mean I will love you any less. In fact, I will love you more because I know you anchor me in reality.
I can offer you days where we will fight and I will be mean…sometimes even cruel. But, I can also offer you the guarantee that I will always put aside my pride and apologize in the end.
I know you may wake up one day and want more, and if that day comes I hope I’m the person who is able to give you that. You may decide one day to break away from us, and to find the type of love that will be as vivid and strong as you are. If that is the day we will eventually face, you will see the true scope of just how much I can feel for you.
So happy to hear you say that today :’) Even though it’s like more than 1 month later, I’m simply excited and can’t wait!